This is my five year anniversary - I am my DHV

[Twilight]

*I asked Bravo about bringing over some of my posts from SLA, and he encouraged me to post my best stuff. I originally posted this on 7/18/10. This is one of the few that I'll post from my time with SLA, but I think that it can be an encouragement and inspiration for others. I truly believe that this community is about building a life: to the new guys, welcome to the brotherhood and congrats on taking a positive step in the only direction you should be moving in. To the rest of us, thank you for being a part of my journey - I owe so much to you. To those who have gone before us, thank you for everything you've done to help us get to this point. I'm far from being one of the best - I just want to get better.

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Gentlemen,

I wanted to share with you a letter that I wrote to HBSinger from the Fr: Apocalypse (Text Convo) field report. This week I am celebrating five years since my world was turned upside down after I was hospitalized from a manic episode and being diagnosed with having bipolar disorder. I"ll post this in the Inner Game section as well, because I think that you guys, especially the newer ones, can benefit from reading this in that context too. I had as my Facebook Status, "Slept like a rock the night of my five year anniversary Thank God for being alive and of a sound mind." - She commented on my status, "Five years from what?" Because of the origin of the status, I sent her a private message.

"Hey Danielle,

What I'm about to share is pretty heavy stuff. I won't share all of the details, but I'm okay with talking about it.

Five years ago last night I suffered from a manic episode that I was hospitalized for the next morning for a week, although, truth be told the episode probably lasted about a week and I was admitted right as it was reaching it's peak. The doctors diagnosed me with having Bipolar Disorder, and my world and everything I thought I knew about myself and what I would do with my life was shattered to pieces. It's a lifelong disease that manifests in puberty, but doesn't hit it's stride usually until early twenties. I was planning a career as an Army Special Forces Officer, but that was now impossible. I've always had a strong faith in God and that was put into question. I'd been gifted with an intelligent mind, and I couldn't trust it anymore. I was put on medication that made me sluggish, gain a ton of weight, and destroyed any athletic ability I had worked hard to hone. I went back to school that fall and couldn't keep up in my classes due to the medication. I went to a doctor and got off the medication. There is a high suicide rate for people off medication with bipolar disorder.

The next summer, I experienced a similar phenomena, and so I decided to take a year off of school to figure out how to take care of myself, as well as what I was going to do with my life. I got kicked out of my parents house, and my relationship with my family was thrown on the rocks.

The next several years were spent learning more about what I had to deal with, and discovering how to take care of my mind and keep it from going off the deep end again through diet, exercise, meditation, faith, and good friends and family. I went back to school, had a kickass run with the best band I've been in in a long time, wrote one hell of a senior religion thesis, exercised my journalism wings, and graduated from school. When I came back to MN I spent the past two years getting control of my mind, getting my body back in shape, and learning new skills to start a new career and a new life.

Recently, I just left my bartending job at Stella's to start my own web design company, just helped open up an MMA school in flake where I train and coach fighters, I'm finishing up a new album (which you've heard parts of), and I plan on spending some time overseas next year.

Last night, as I was driving home from Uptown I reflected on how different five years ago was that night when I couldn't tell what was real and what was my imagination. I got home, had some drinks with my roommate and his friends, and slept like a rock. This afternoon, I celebrated my little sister's 20th birthday with our family.

It's been 7 years since things started to get bad, 5 years since my world was turned upside down. Today, I have so much to be thankful for, and I have overcome so much that life has thrown my way. Five years ago today I was in a hospital bed, heavily sedated, convinced I was speaking to angels. Today, I am sitting in my living room relaxing to chill music, drinking some tea, writing a letter to a beautiful woman, at peace with my life.

I hope you're having a wonderful day, Danielle. Every day is another victory, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

Under the Mercy,
Josh"

[poly]

Wow that is some deep stuff man and a moving read.

You seem to be at peace with your self and the world now which is awesome to hear. Keep up the positive spirit and passion for life that you now have because it is the greatest medicine you can have.

Great to see you in the forum mate.

[sweetcheeks]

Congrats bro. I can only empathize with you.

Almost two years ago my best friend was diagnosed with a manic bipolar disorder. He went through some similar stuff.

It was incredibly hard on my group of friends and myself because we had all been child hood friends since 1st grade. He had always kind of been a little off growing up but that was why we loved him. Then our senior year in high school he 'started to see the matrix', thats what we called it, in all honesty we thought he was on some nasty drugs.

Finally after about two months of him being like this his family got him treated, and he was hospitalized. Now he's since moved away from us and is on meds. You give me hope for my friend that he someday will be able to overcome this and live the life he's always wanted to live.

Thank you.