Introverts, Self Respect, and Life Lessons

[Stiegl]

I decided to do a 30 day challenge to get rid of some bad habits and work on my self respect issues. During this challenge, I took Ice’s advice and read the book “Quiet, the power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking” by Susan Cain. It was a real eye opener. It helped me to understand some things about myself and the world around me. I would say that the most important thing I got from the book is understanding that my values need to be shifted a little bit. Some of my old ways of thinking were holding me back, and this book helped me to see this and realize what changes I need to make to my mentality to live a happier and more successful life.

Here are the main insights I am adapting into my life… I’m writing this out in the hopes that it might be able to help some other introverts out there as well.


--Self Respect
I didn’t respect myself because I don’t measure up to the “extrovert ideal”. We live in an extroverted society. We are expected to be cheerful and outgoing wherever we go. We are expected to make small talk with cashiers and people standing in line. We are expected to be able to have hour long conversations where we tell outlandish stories for the majority of the time. But I’m not that type of person. I like to listen to people’s stories rather than talk. I like to observe. Sometimes I am thinking about other things and don’t want to engage in small talk.

Does that make me less of a person? No, it doesn’t. I have come to realize that a person has to live their life by what makes them happy. For me it’s observing the world around me and thinking about it. When I’m in a conversation, I prefer to listen to other peoples stories more than I like to talk. And there is nothing wrong with that. Extroverted people are cheerful and talkative because of their nature. My natural self is to be serious and quiet. I’m not less of a person because I don’t enjoy telling story after story. I’m not less of a person because I don’t jump into conversation with everybody. I am just me. My quietness has its own rewards: being a good listener, being insightful, and being observant.

I have come to accept that listening is just as valuable as talking… it’s just not celebrated because it’s not obvious. That’s really why I felt bad about myself: my strength (being a good listener) is not celebrated. But I have come to realize that it’s not any less valuable, and I should be proud of it.


--How you come across
I have also come to realize how important it is to be able to tell story after story and to be outgoing… when you want to. Not all the time, because we introverts can’t be charismatic all the time, but it’s important to have the ability to do it in short burst when you choose to. As an introvert, I used to focus on the content of my message above all else. Through reading this book I have come to realize that the way you come across while talking is the message itself.

The examples in this book made me understand a very important point: you don’t have to be right, you have to be charismatic and confident. That’s what attracts people to you and makes them like you and listen to you. The most charismatic people are sometimes wrong. Sometimes they say stupid things. But what they do right is they take the stage and make things happen their way, sometimes at the expense of drowning out people who know better but are too quiet to sell the crowd on their opinions.

This was eye opening for me. For introverts, being right is extremely valuable. Why would you do something that might be wrong? If you’re not sure of something, don’t act like you’re absolutely certain about it.

But that’s not how human dynamics work. People like and respect those who talk with confidence and charisma. They will listen to them even if they are wrong. They will ignore the quiet person who shows doubt and reserve even if that person is right. That’s just the way human nature is.

As an introvert, I have to let go of this need to be right. I have to learn to talk with confidence and certainty even if I am not confident or certain about the subject. If I turn out to be wrong, so be it. What’s important is that I come across well and that people respect me for the way I come across. As backwards as this may seem in my eyes, this is simply the nature of human dynamics. It’s a necessity.


--Having conversations with extroverts
Conversation with introverts is easy. We bond over information. When a person tells me something useful or shares an insight with me, I feel close to that person. But what about bonding with extroverts?

Extroverts focus more on the human connection than on ideas. For extroverts, conversation is about being listened to and being accepted for who you are. It’s about building a human connection on mutual acceptance. It’s about building a positive emotion between people. That’s why they share stories about their weekend or what happened here and there. They are sharing their life. When the other person likes their story or thinks its funny, and shares their own story, the extrovert feels accepted and liked. It’s not about the content of the message, it’s about being accepted.

This is something I found really difficult to grasp. As an introvert, I value the content of the message above all else. I value being right. I value being insightful. To me, telling stories about something I did on the weekend is bragging, it’s entertainment… and what if I didn’t do something awesome on the weekend? Then I’m just telling a boring story. Why would I tell a mundane story? But in thinking that way, I miss part of the basic human connection: being accepted.

It’s not about the message, it’s about the bond. A conversation should be thought of as emotion building: sharing yourself in conversation with a person so you can build a positive emotion. An emotion of understanding each other, seeing eye to eye, thinking the same way, having the same life experiences, and accepting each other. These are the good feeling that people are seeking. This is the purpose of conversation with extroverts. It’s not about the content.


--High Reactivity
When I read this, I was reminded of all of the movies where the super-cool guy is always laid back and nothing fazes him. No situation, no matter how bad, makes him lose his controlled demeanor. He always keeps his cool. Well it turns out extroverts are naturally wired to be like that. Introverts are naturally wired to react.

Unfortunately, people highly respect the ability to be laid back or calm in new situations. It’s considered one of the greatest qualities a man can have. You can be scared to death on the inside, but your outside can’t show anything other than cool and calm. So we introverts have to work on that. Maybe I need to work on social conditioning. Maybe I need to have a beer before I socialize. Whatever it is, there is a high importance that is placed on being unreactive, or at least appearing that way. It’s a goal in and of itself.

--Downtime
The book talks a lot about unwinding after a stretch of being outgoing to recharge your energy, but it made me realize something else. I need to unwind after doing something stimulating as well.

I’ve noticed that when I do something stimulating like working on the computer or anything task oriented, I become fast paced. It’s like I had a few cups of coffee. The pace of the action when using a computer is so fast that it changes my pace. I talk faster, move faster, and lose my cool and calm demeanor. I have come to realize I need to unwind after task based activities and get my rhythms back to a calm level. Whether it’s playing guitar or working out, there’s something about doing a stress relieving activity that slows my speech and movement down to a socially acceptable level. I don’t know why this is, it could be the high reactiveness of introverts, but it’s something that I need to do.

--It’s not what I thought
This book really wasn’t what I thought it would be. I was expecting the book to be about the strengths of the introvert and how they can best navigate through life. In the end, the book was about life and human connections, and how extroverts and introverts approach it with their different skill sets. Neither side is perfect. Introverts focus too much on ideas and not enough on how they come across, while extroverts do just the opposite.

Self respect and a fulfilling life come from being in the middle. It comes from having the skills to be social when it matters, but also finding time to live your inner life that’s full of ideas. Sometimes a person needs someone who can point out both sides of issue in order to really understand themselves, life, and how things work. That’s what this book did for me, and hopefully these insights can be useful to some of the other introverts on the forum.

[Bravo]

Is that the book Ice told you to read?

[Stiegl]

It is the book Ice recommended.

It was really useful, it helped me figure some things out about myself and fill in some knowledge gaps.

A month ago I promised Ice I would report back after I read it, so here it is

[Macho]

Great report. This book sounds like something I should read as well. Thank you for sharing.

[Ice]

Great reflection and insight from this book

Digging deeper and learning more about yourself does two things

Makes the unconscious conscious and bring to light - what you do/why you do it, what you believe, why you believe that, what perspective you have AND whether you want to continue doing it.

Until you make the unconscious conscious, you will call it fate and accept that

Interrogating your reality will cause you to face yourself in the mirror and that is where real growth can happen -- if you stick with it

Read, remember and keep perspectives and insight you gained along the way - until a new better one fits your stage in life

This is the beginning of something better - your growth has just begun.

Feel free to update here for more insights you developed as you progress from this

[Methos]

Thanks for the insightful write-up Stiegl.

A lot of your points hit home with me. Especially how extroverted people need to talk about their lives and such. I find a lot of the typical discussion boring and wonder how extroverts can seem to be so happy with the mundane. And I can definitely relate to needing downtime for myself and being outgoing in short burst.

Since PX, I've been able to more or less flip it on and off like a switch. There are times and days though when I just want to be alone and could care less about the worthless babble most people carry on with.

[Stiegl]

Ice, you're definitely right about interrogating reality. Sometimes there are just things you don't understand, and because of that you don't get the results you want. You have to go out and find the answer to your question, the answer to what you don't understand, and then you can walk into a situation with confidence and grow.

The biggest thing I got from the book was about dealing with extroverts and why they talk about their everyday topics so much. I just didn't think that way and couldn't understand it. Now that I do, I just accept that people need to talk about anything and feel accepted. It's something I do for them, not myself. The topic still bores me, but now that I know that that's what they want and understand it, I can do it... I've been using it, and yeah, the results are better. That was a pretty big sticking point for me.

Methos, I totally know what you mean about flipping it on like a switch. Talking about the mundane is something I don't care for, but I just decide to flip it on like a switch and do it for other people because they need it. Now that I understand what I'm trying to achieve, it's another tool in the toolbox. But just like you, I also feel that need to be alone... a lot.

[Ice]

I just didn't think that way and couldn't understand it. Now that I do, I just accept that people need to talk about anything and feel accepted. It's something I do for them, not myself.

AWESOME!

You get it. This was a huge leadership learning for me.

Not many people understand this, and even if they do - they are not as accepting of others.

But when you are accepting and appreciative of those around you, and you value them -- think about what impact that has on people. People tend to like that feeling. Which increases your social proof when people like you...

and when you can make the girl you're interested in feel that way...and add in things to create attraction --that's when girls say "It's the way he makes me feel when I'm around him"

[Ice]

I would also challenge you both to adding more value and FUN in the conversation than just listening to mundane.

CONNECT with people's hearts and see through them. What are they really saying and telling you. How can you make them feel accepted and valued - even make them laugh.

There's a depth to really listening to others that many do not get

This isn't just about pickup... it's way of being.