Tagged: start

It was either sink or swim and I wanted to fly

I always had a feeling in my past relationships, that I better do anything and everything I could to hold on tight. If things ended I would be alone again and that would last until I got “lucky enough” to get another girlfriend.

Years later I think because I didn’t have a stable family growing up, I was always searching for a girl to be my rock. Someone who would always be there for me and have my back. My parents divorced when I was young, my mom got married a few times after my dad, and one of the guys was pretty bad (drugs, abusive, and all I want to make public)

Now that my marriage was over, my house gone, feeling like damaged goods, almost no one in my life, and just being stood up on New Year’s Eve, I came to a realization

It was either sink or swim and I wanted to fly.

Even though I ended up finding a cool place to live, I didn’t just want to swim, which to me meant just keeping me head high enough from drowning, I wanted more.

I wasn’t happy with who I was and who I had become.

What I had been doing in my life didn’t lead me to happiness or given me the results I wanted.

So I decided that I needed to start working on the areas and aspects of my life that I had been avoiding. I began to exercise and eat healthier I also changed my look.

  • No fast food -and if I did falter I would just grab a burrito, not the 2-3 meals worth I normally got
  • Muscle milk or Dymatize protein shakes -chocolate with a scoop of peanut butter is pretty tasty!
  • Kettlebell -a cannonball with a handle, it was now being used religiously
  • Clothes shopping -something I use to hate, now I would go every few weeks and add 1-2 items
  • Hair -I dressed up in my cool clothes and went to a high end saloon and said “make it cool”

In a pretty short time frame I went from looking and dressing sloppy, to feeling 100 times healthier and dressing a thousand times cooler.  The confidence I gained from that was sinking in, but I needed to do more. If not all it would take is my clothes and hair to go out of style and me getting fat to loose the ground I had gained.

-next time, how I began working on what I would learn to call my “inner game” AND an update from the chick who stood me up!

Hitting rock bottom

Standing on the balcony of my apartment in Phoenix, awesome view of not 1 but 3 different fireworks shows on this New Years Eve, a glass of Makers Mark whiskey in my hand and I was seconds away from hitting rock bottom.

My wife had told me she wanted a divorce months ago after our miscarriage, I wanted to try and make things work but it wasn’t possible. We had to sell our brand new house and I even helped her move her stuff into storage. We both were looking for new places to live, she lucked out and found a big townhouse, I couldn’t find anything and got an apartment. I think it was a week and she was already dating a guy, and from a few pictures I saw on MySpace and what I heard thru the grapevine, she was looking better than ever and living life to it’s fullest.

I still hadn’t come out of my downward spiral. Sitting on my couch watching DS9, eating fast food everyday. Life was pretty shitty for me, but I still had a little further down to go.

After being tired of being alone for almost a year, I got on a few online dating sites, but had no clue what to do, apparently it is a BAD idea to tell girls within the first few minutes of talking to them that I am 25 and divorced.

I somehow got lucky and had this cute little 20 year old Hispanic chick emailing me back and she even sent me a few sexy pics showing off her giant rack! All I kept thinking was if I was able to get this chick to be my new girlfriend everything would be fine. So I started making plans for us to hang out.

I had the foolproof idea that she should come over to my place for New Years for our first date. It would be so romantic, we could watch the fireworks, eat some food, and if she snuck a few sips of booze when I wasn’t looking no big deal, it might help me get some. 😀

I went to the store and stocked up on supplies, food, snacks, and chick friendly drinks. Spending money I didn’t have but fuck it, I might get laid so it was worth it.

8pm rolls around and she wasn’t there yet. We text a bit and she tells me she is running late, no biggie we got all night…

11pm rolls around and now she is no longer responding to my texts…

12:00am and I am standing outside on my balcony, alone just as the fireworks start to light up the desert sky.

I have now been stood up for the first time in my life and it was on fucking New Year’s Eve.

As I sat alone on my balcony. All I could think about was all the people out having the time of their life. My X who was in the arms of a new guy having her New Year’s Eve kiss. The chick who blew me off probably to go and hang with her friends.

I was alone….and not by choice. No friends, no girl, and was barely talking to my family.

I took a swig of my whiskey and thought to myself, this will never happen again. Whatever it takes, whatever I have to do, by this time next year my life will be awesome.

-I started and stopped writing this post for weeks. Part 2 will be how I started to change